Originally published at Notes from the bunker…. You can comment here or there.

Obviously the solution to the problem of teenagers shooting up shopping malls is difficult but it needs to be looked into. Yes, I know Im going to get stiff resistance from the ‘individual rights’ crowd but, dammit, theres lives at stake. Now, be objective and just think this through: Ban teenagers.

No one needs a 16-year-old emo slackard around the house. Studies show that you are 43 more times likely to run out milk and breakfast cereal if theres a teenager in your home. Statistics dont lie, people!

Now, some may say that theres some sort of constitutional right to have teenagers but if you intepret the Constitution that way you have to remember: that document was framed in a different era. The teenagers in those days were harmless. They worked in the fields, handled the livestock, and were actually useful. Modern teenagers are entirely different. A modern teenager can lay waste to an entire refrigerator without pausing to ask “Did you want some of this?”. If our founding fathers knew that the familiar and useful teenagers of their era would be supplanted by todays high-capacity eating machines they’d have struck all language from the Constitution that allows these horrid emo wastes of skin to exist.

What can you do? First of all, if you have a teenager or two in the house GET IT OUT. Send it to college, the Marines, the Peace Corp, whatever. But get it out of the house now! Reduce the risk at home!
Second, work to reduce the incidents of senseless teen violence by removing the source of the problem: support licensing and strict insurance requirements for anyone ‘needing’ a teenager in their home. The US is the only industrialized Western nation that allows completely unfettered teenagers. Fetter them!

Teenagers shooting up shopping malls is a nightmare scenario all too common today. By putting reasonable restrictions on teenagers we can stop this senseless violence. These restriction will not affect people who have legitimate, normal children. We’re not talking about taking away anyone’s toddlers. We just feel there should be sensible controls on the more dangerous and destructive children – teenagers.
Thank you and good night.