Oh the feelings of security from a mountain of freeze-dried food sealed in #10 cans…..
Thats 28 cases, or 168 #10 cans. The absolutely coolest part: stamped on the bottom of the can ‘BEST IF USED BY 2031’

I was going through the kitchen cupboards trying to make space and Im amazed at those little forgotten foods that wind up in the corner on a dark shelf. You know the ones – you see a can of something in the store and you think ‘Hey, that looks good. Lets get some of that.’ And then it sits on a shelf and gets pushed further and further back until finally its out of sight and you don’t see it for a couple years. In the meantime it takes up valuable space in the cabinets. So, I need to go through and start pulling out stuff to heave into a box that will be destined for the local food bank.

Next house is gonna have a huge honkin’ pantry. Not just the usual couple of cabinets above the counter. No sirree… Im talking a walk-in, floor-to-ceiling shelved, storage binned pantry. Something so capacious and well stocked it may need its own shopping cart.

Why? Because nothing, nothing, nothing gives one a warm, fuzzy feeling more than standing in your kitchen with the cabinets open and looking at all the food just waiting for its eventual destiny. Canned goods, bags of pasta, jars of fruit, boxes of this, foil pouches of that… mmmmmm. Power outage? Infrastructure failure? Spiraling inflation? A bout of unemployment? All of these are major suckage, to be sure… but being able to have a steaming hot meatloaf, mashed potatoes, corn, bread, butter and dessert in the midst of it sure helps to keep the feelings of despair at bay. And, more importantly, its one less thing to worry about and lets you focus on solving other problems.

Having had a stage in my life where I didn’t know where tomorrows meal was coming from I seem to value food very highly these days. Its proven by examples from various points in history that hungry people are dangerous people. Dangerous to themselves and most assuredly dangerous to those who have food. Don’t think so? Read about the starvations in Stalingrad during the war, North Korea in the late 90’s (and more recently), Africa at any given point, and a dozen other places. Theres no shortage of stories about people looting bakeries, stealing food from the rations of others, committing all sorts of deplorable acts for food and, of course, that old school favorite – cannibalism.

Even recent history like Katrina where people grabbed water bottles from the clutches of others and took whatever they needed shows that such extreme situations and behaviors aren’t relegated to the past. Sure, there may not be another Dust Bowl around the corner but it doesn’t take much to disrupt the ability of a region to get food. Heck, just a major banking snafu can cut off the ability to buy food even when its available.

Being a cheap bastard and a bit far-sighted, I am always amused, fascinated and repulsed by people who a) waste food b) take some sort of pride in not being able to cook and c) people who buy food in incredibly wasteful ways.

Having been in the not-knowing-where-the-next-meal-is-coming-from camp I try to not waste food. If theres more than a few bites left on my plate and I cant eat anymore it gets a coating of plastic wrap and goes into the fridge for the next meal. For me, breakfast is usually leftovers from dinner. I remember working in a restaurant and the amount of food that was thrown away in an evening was incredible. People would pay for a meal and leave half of it. Heck, even the cooking process wound up with a good deal of waste… if the bin of salad greens didn’t have enough for one full salad it was discarded, things like that.

People who take pride in not being able to cook truly appall me. You would regard a person who couldn’t be bothered to learn to read as something of an idiot…not because they couldn’t read but because they refuse to learn. Willful ignorance being the most deplorable kind. When you don’t learn how to cook anything you are basically saying ‘I rely on other people to feed me’ which is a pretty cavalier way to go through life. Now, sure, you can be too busy to cook, and you can make so much money that you don’t need to cook, but knowing how to turn a package of ground beef and some vegetables into stuffed peppers, spaghetti sauce, chili, meatloaf, hamburgers or a dozen other edibles is certainly a survival skill worth having. I should have some sort of baseline of culinary expertise for people in my life… the Steak And Potatoes Test.

And then theres the worst – people who buy food without thinking. I especially get annoyed when the person in front of me is buying food with food stamps (or the new dignity-enhancing debit cards) and theyre buying worthless food (frozen pizza???? Orange soda??? Beef jerky?!?!) or theyre buying already prepared foods (ready-to-serve heat-n-eat roast turkey and potatoes). For the price of one days worth of already prepared foods they could buy three days worth of real food..if they knew how to cook it. And it seems that if your situation is so desperate that you have to have .gov give you money for food you would use those food dollars as wisely as possible.. buying meat, vegetables, fruits, milk, cereal, rice, pasta, cheese, etc…. all the things necessary to create a dozen different meals from a handful of basic ingredients. But no… they’ll buy a stack of ‘Lunchables’, some frozen pizza, a package of fried chicken from the deli counter, and a tub of ice cream, pay $25 and wonder why they have no money for ‘food’ at the end of the month.

Now, some folks will say ‘Hey, youre being too hard on these people. No one ever taught them proper nutrition and how to cook.’ First of all, you don’t have to be a rocket scientist to know that a diet of frozen pizza, pop and Oreos is bad for you. Secondly, any idiot can learn to cook the things they like if they are willing to learn.

I point out the existence of these people not because they deserve pity (they don’t) or because they deserve scorn (they do) but because when the supermarket’s shelves are bare or the food stamps aren’t being distributed these are the people who are going to be a problem for those who have a nice pantry full of food. Of course, if youre prepared enough to have a pantry full of food youre most likely prepared enough to prevent its being forcibly taken from you.

Dinner the other night: taking some canned tomatoes, onions and garlic and making spaghetti sauce. Pull some chicken from 2004 out of the deep freeze. Boil up some spaghetti purchased in bulk in 2005. Get some shredded mozzarella out of the deep freeze (ca. spring 2006) and melt it over the top of the whole mess. Mmmmmm. And I can have that anytime for the next couple years.